Tactical Tales

Stories and Letters From, To, or About the Tactical Tabbies

You can send letters to Tactical Tales to Platinum Cat.  Use "Tactical Tales" for the subject.

POW Rescued by Tactical Tabby

A Tactical Tabby operating behind the lines in Iraq spotted Army Pfc. Jessica Lynch being held in an Iraqi hospital. The brave little tabby cat noted the location of the hospital along with the  room where Pfc. Lynch was held. The information was relayed to Platinum Cat who passed the data to his unnamed contact at a government intelligence agency. U.S. special operations forces teamed up with the Tactical Tabby who gave them credit for the rescue.

Tactical Tabby Saves President

An unnamed Tactical Tabby was on duty in the White House when President Bush was watching a football game and choked on a pretzel. His dumb dogs just sat there while the quick-thinking kitty dashed from her post, hissed at the dogs to freeze them in place, and saved the President's life. She stuck her little paw down his throat, extracted the offending pretzel with her retractable claws, and gave him a kitty massage to start him breathing again. Once the President responded, she returned to her post.


Rocky's Tomcat Vandalized in Greensboro

For reasons unknown, Rocky left his F-14 Tomcat at Piedmont Triad International Airport in Greensboro instead of Smith Reynolds Airport here in Winston-Salem. Rocky has been flying back and forth to Washington, DC to perform his duties as a Supreme Court justice. It is a little known fact that Rocky's wisdom is the glue that binds the Supreme Court together. Because of the damage to Rocky's F-14 he was unable to return to Washington, DC on Dec. 12 to supervise the deliberations. Without Rocky's guidance, the Supreme Court's rulings were contradictory and confusing. Some people has even suggested the incident wasn't really an accident but deliberate sabotage and suspect rebel right-wing elements within the Republican Party. We must point out that we have seen no evidence of this. 

Rocky's Swedish feline friend, Shottis, tried to help by flying his Saab JAS Gripen but was not able to arrive in time due to difficulty getting a passport.

Damaged Military Jet Remains At PTI

Curious Workers Cause Thousand Dollar Damage

GREENSBORO, Updated 9:12 a.m. EST December 13, 2000 -- A military fighter jet has been parked at the Piedmont Triad International Airport with more than $40,000 dollars in damage.

F-14 Officials said that a $40 million F-14 (pictured, right) belonging to the Navy has been grounded because some workers who wanted to take a closer look at the aircraft popped a canopy open. The F-14 needs to be fixed and that's going to cost approximately $42,000. There's no word on who will pay the bill.

The jet is based out of Virginia Beach and officials said that they are not sure why the plane's pilot decided to park it in Greensboro.

F-14 Background from the Navy's web site: The F-14A entered the fleet in 1973, replacing the F-4 Phantom II. The F-14B, introduced in November 1987, incorporated new General Electric F-110 engines. In 1995, an upgrade program was initiated to incorporate new digital avionics and weapon system improvements to strengthen its multi-mission competitive edge. The F-14D, delivered in 1990, was a major upgrade with F-110 engines, new APG-71 radar system, Airborne Self Protection Jammer (ASPJ), Joint Tactical Information Distribution System (JTIDS) and Infrared Search and Track (IRST). Additionally, all F-14 variants were given precision strike capability using the LANTIRN targeting system, night vision compatibility, new defensive countermeasures systems and a new digital flight control system.

Did you notice that the above paragraph did not mention the classified F-14C (Cat) version.  The F-14C is a special modified F-14 with Feline controls.  Rocky, Platinum Cat, and Sergeant Major Grayson Stripe were instrumental in the development and testing of the F-14C.

Rocky's Fur Singed by Scathing Letter From Irate Mom Cat

Dear Judge Rockford,

I am a Siamese and the mother of my kittens, of which I've had many. I've heard many of your speeches and notice that you usually close by saying that you "do it for the kittens". You overblown, puffed up, egotistical, bloated ball of fur. You don't do it for the kittens; you do it for yourself. How does flying around in an F14 Tomcat, partying at the Premier Club, and looking down you nose at everyone and everything advance kitty rights? It makes me want to cough up a hairball, something that a cat should do in private, like under a bed, not on public display in a driveway. Only you would think the world is breathlessly awaiting your next hairball.

As for your Tactical Tabbies, I'm appalled. Imagine taking kittens away from their mothers when they're barely weaned and forcing them into combat training. The only thing worse is your pre-tabby program. What kind of sick cat would allow her helpless kittens to be brain washed? Oh, I know, one of your former Tactical Tabbies that's too old to be of any use to you. How dare you take advantage of hormone crazed adolescent cats and send them into deadly situations.

Don't even talk to me about how your so-called missions help kittens. Saving a lynx habitat in Colorado helped lynxes and their cubs but no kittens. Killing a war criminal in Kosovo helped tiger cubs and bring about a modicum of justice in Europe but let's not kid ourselves, no kittens were helped.

I have it on good authority that you've inflicted deep scratches on your personal human, her property, and friends. You're the reason cats are declawed. You're lucky your human is so tolerant. You're so busy sucking up to celebrities; you've forgotten the humans that wait on you paw and foot. Did you every ask one of them to join you in your skybox at Ericsson Stadium or meet Socks at the White House. By they way, what did you scratch and spray when you were visiting there? That building belongs to all Americans, how dare you defile it.

I doubt you even have a law degree. The closest you ever got to a law school was Dumpster diving behind Reynolda Hall. You may be a Supreme Court justice but that's only because of affirmative action and blackmailing the President. I wish Ken Starr had served that subpoena. You would have squirmed on the witness stand. Something smells rotten and it's not the litter box.



Recently Declassified Tale of Tactical Tabby Activies in Kosovo

Documents recently obtained under the Freedom of Information Act indicate that Tactical Tabbies may have been behind the assination of Arkan, an alleged Serbian war criminal in the former Yugoslavia.  See the following CNN news story.

A lifetime of crime

Under indictment by the International Criminal Tribunal for former Yugoslavia, Arkan had denied committing any war crimes in Bosnia-Herzogovina and Croatia. He first served jail time when he was 17 and was closely tied to criminal activities throughout his life.

Arkan holds a tiger cub in front of a tank his Tigers captured during Croatia's war for independence from Yugoslavia  

In the early 1980s, Arkan was reportedly recruited by the Yugoslav secret police as a hit man in charge of killing dissidents in the West, mostly Croats and Kosovo Albanians.

In the 1990s, Arkan formed a group of paramilitary guards -- "Arkan's Tigers." They wore black uniforms, were highly trained, and were notorious for their ruthlessness. These militiamen were also employed in the Croatian conflict in 1991 and then in Bosnia from 1992 through 1995.

Officials remain silent on motive

While authorities maintain their silence on the motive behind Arkan's killing, there has been a flurry of local independent media speculation. One of the theories floating around is that his murder may be related to his inside knowledge about alleged Serbian atrocities in the last 10 years.

There is also speculation that the power wielded by Arkan may have made him too ambitious and independent. "He felt himself so strong that now he could move further ... maybe he had arrangements we did not know," said Dusan Radulovic, a local journalist.

CNN Correspondent Alessio Vinci, The Associated Press and Reuters contributed to this report. The Associated Press and Reuters contributed to this report.

Is it possible that officials remain silent because they know the real reason Akran was killed? The Tactical Tabbies became aware of a clear case of kitty abuse in Akran's handling of a tiger cub and took matters into their own paws.

An Open Letter to Platinum Cat

Sergeant Major Grayson Stripe
Born: 1992
Tactical Tabby 1992 - 1993
Drill sergeant 1993 - 1994
Chief drill sergeant 1994 - present
Accomplishments: Body guard for Graylyn Rockford, esq., implemented Pre-Tabby program, modified F-14 controls for cat usage.
Missions: Classified.

Memo from: Sergeant Major Stripe

To: Platinum Cat

Re: New Recruits

I've never been one to "pussy foot" around so I'll be blunt. The quality of new recruits is slipping. I'm not talking about the Pre-Tabbies. Their mothers started training them in the womb so they're well prepared to be Tactical Tabbies. I'm talking about the kitten in the street that makes up the bulk of our general recruits. They're getting soft, from their delicate little paw pads to their little pink tongues. In my day even 6-week old kittens had paw pads like leather and tongues like sandpaper.

These little guys are such pussies, pardon my French, they can't even go to the bathroom unless they have a litter box. Imagine kittens that can't scratch a hole in some dirt or a pile of leaves. They have to go inside and find a litter box with perfumed Kitty Litter. When threatened, instead of puffing up and spitting, they climb the nearest tree and wait for danger to go away. In my day cats didn't run from dogs, they scratched them on the nose and left their mark.

These kittens don't want to stand and fight tooth and claw, they want to file a law suit. What a bunch of wimps. It makes me want to cough up a hair ball. If any of these kittens had to cough a real hair ball, they'd have to pre-arrange it with their HMO. Some kittens won't unsheathe their claws for fear of getting a hang-nail.

When I became a Tactical Tabby, you had to be able to catch, kill, and eat a full grown squirrel or rabbit. I'd be surprised if these guys could catch anything bigger than a butterfly or a chipmunk. As for living off the land, forget about it. They have their personal kibble towers and porcelain water dishes. I can't imagine them scrounging for food in a dumpster or stealing it from some mutt.

Medium and long hair cats may look nice but Tactical Tabbies need to have short fur. These medium and long hair cats get too many mats in their fur. They spend more time grooming than training. The Tactical Tabbies aren't prima donna show cats lounging around on their little kitty beds in gilded cages preening their whiskers. They're supposed to be a deadly fighting force ready for deployment around the world.

If I have to go out and do my own recruiting, I will. Something has to be done for the good of the corps or we'll turn into a bunch of computer kitty hackers and nerdlings like the Feline Bureau of Investigation. I'm more than willing to kick a little kitty butt if necessary, just give the word.

Respectfully yours,

Copyright 2002 David Jones & Diana Hartman
Last revised: April 02, 2003.