Feline Mews News

The Truth About Buddy 

CHAPPAQUA  Jan. 3, 2002 -- It has been widely reported that former President Clinton's dog, Buddy, was killed in a simple traffic accident. Some have accused both Bill and Hillary of complicity in Buddy's death. See "Who Killed Clinton's Dog?" What about Socks? Socks never liked Buddy, a slobbering, rambunctious, mutt. Once Buddy came to the White House, Socks was forced into the background. When the Clintons moved to Chappaqua, Socks was abandoned. Betty Curry stepped up to the plate and provided sanctuary to America's foremost feline power-broker. Socks never forgot how those he brought to power ditched him, believing he was no longer needed. What better way to get revenge than to arrange Buddy's demise and cast suspicion upon the Clintons. Do you really believe the Secret Service can't keep one stupid Lab from running out into traffic? Of course not. Socks called in a few favors. The Secret Service left the front door open and that was the end of Buddy.

Bush Cats 

AUSTIN Jan. 9, 2001 -- Rocky was in Austin, TX meeting with President Elect Bush's three cats, Ernie, India, and Cowboy. Ernie is a short haired, ginger and white spotted, 6-toed polydactyl named after Ernest Hemingway in honor of his best beloved cat, a six-toed tom. Another of Hemingway's 60 cats was Princess Six Toes. Her photo appeared in the New York Times and other national magazines. The last known polydactyl to occupy the White House and the first feline occupant to be named for footwear was Teddy Roosevelt's extra-toed cat, Slippers.

Rumor has it that Ernie was adopted by the Bushes and their twin teen daughters after Millie's son, Spotty, an English Springer spaniel, treed him outside the governor's mansion in Austin. The truth is, Ernie just wanted to get a better look at the mansion and was napping in the tree when the ignorant pooch began barking and rudely awakened him. Note: Spotty's full name is Spot Fetcher, a play on Scott Fletcher, who played for the Texas Rangers, the baseball team that George W. Bush part-owned. Ernie knew that Socks adopted Chelsea as his personal human and perhaps the best way to the White House was to adopt George's daughters, Barbara and Jenna as his personal humans. Multi-cat households can be a problem (see Scratchings from the Litterbox, April 1, 1999) but the Governor's Mansion and had plenty of rooms and humans to scoop out litter-boxes. After learning that federal regulations require the First Cat to be declawed, Ernie decided move to the west coast. Kim Black, a Bush spokeswoman, says Ernie was adopted over the weekend by Brad Freeman, a Bush pal that lives in Los Angeles. According to Black, Brad spent a lot of time at the mansion and was honored by Ernie's request to be his personal human.

India, nicknamed Willie, is an indoor cat while Cowboy is an outdoor cat. Both are black short hairs. Cowboy will remain in Texas where he can use the litterbox under the stars. India, who is older, better behaved, and declawed, like many of Bush's advisors, will be going to Washington, DC.

Socks will remain in Washington, DC and has offered to help the Bush cats in their transition. There's no truth to the rumor that Socks will not leave on Jan. 20 and plans to hide under the many beds in the White House by darting from room to room. "I met him many times," says Jay Jacob Wind of Arlington, VA, president of the Socks the Cat Fan Club. "He never scratched, he let everyone pet him and he greeted everybody. He really knew how to work a rope line." Socks will be living with Betty Currie, President Clinton's secretary, in her suburban Virginia home. She became a close FOS (Friend of Socks) and has been more attentive to his needs than the Clintons. Once the transition is complete, Socks will be retiring from public life to nap and write his memoirs. His public life began 9 years ago as a kitten, when Socks adopted Chelsea as his personal human. He was living under her piano teacher's front porch in Little Rock.

As the new administration makes the transition, Rocky wants all cats to remember, "We are felines first and therefore Independent, not Democats or Republicats.

No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens. 
-- Abraham Lincoln

Truth be told, Socks never could stand Buddy or Bill.

Hairball Gallery Announcement

We regret to announce there may never be another Hairball Gallery. Rocky has begun taking Pounce Hairball Treat-ment. He loves the taste and compares it to his favorite gourmet tuna juice. If this product works, Rocky may never cough up another hairball.

Rocky liked the Hairball Treat-ment so much, I decided offer him some Whisker Lickin's Tartar Control. Even though Rocky eats only Hill's CD at home, as a world traveler, he eats a wide variety of foods when on the road and has developed a tartar problem. Rocky loves the crunch and tuna flavor of Whisker Lickin's.

These are unsolicited testamonials from Graylyn Rockford, esq. No compensation was received or requested..

Rockyís Millennium Message

Some humans think the new millennium begins January 1, 2000. All cats know that it really begins January 1, 2001.  Just because humans and dogs have difficulty counting from 0 to 1 doesnít mean cats have the same problem. The millennium is nothing new for cats. Ancient Egyptian cats had to deal with B.C. to A.D. Cats have already dealt with Y1K. Y2K will not be a problem. When cats first learned to program computers thousands of years ago in Egypt, the humans thought the cats were gods. Cats have kept their computer skills secret until humans could figure out how to build computers on their own. Of course feline computing is still much more advanced than itís human counterpart. Even Bill Gates doesnít understand feline computing. When those ancient Egyptian cats wrote their first programs, they allowed for 5-digit years. Rest assured, when weíre gone, feline computing will function flawlessly from 9999 to 10,000 but Iím not sure about 99,999 to 100,000.

Is Your Cat Y2K Compliant?

The original testing for feline Y2K compliance was initiated by Monroe K. Katt in the mid 1980's.  Graylyn Rockford, esq. continued the testing after Monroe's retirement.  After long months of testing in his Y2K test bed, sometimes as much as 20 hours a day, Rocky concluded that all natural cats are Y2K compliant.

However, if your cat is really a dog in a cat suit, there is no way to check for compliance.  Some of these cat suits are known to be defective and after Jan. 1, 2000 all bets are off.

Exotic cat breeds that came about through genetic mutation and were perpetuated by human breeders may not be compliant either. If your cat is a Rag Doll, Scottish Fold, Manx, Devon Rex, or heaven forbid, a Sphinx, there may be problems.

Important News Bulletin (November 10, 1999)

Rocky continues his pioneering work in Animal Rights Law.  His influence led San Francisco to consider changing the term from "Pet Owners" to "Pet Guardians" in their laws and legal documents.  See the news story from the San Francisco Chronicle.  This follows the announcement last summer that Harvard Law School, Rocky's alma mater, will offer a course in Animal Rights Law.

Monroe K. Katt, 1982-1999

Sadly, we must announce that Monroe K. Katt, retired Director of the Feline Bureau of Investigation and David's longtime feline companion, passed away September 27, 1999 at the age of 17.  In lieu of flowers, the family requests that you plant catnip in your yard to benefit your local cats.

Announcement (September 10, 1999)

Yes, the rumors were true. There were secret plans underway for the grand opening of Rocky's Hairball Gallery. Unfortunately Rocky's unique collection of hairballs (on exhibit in his personal human's driveway) was washed away in the recent torrential rains from hurricane Dennis. I was privileged to see them before their destruction. The largest, known as "The Mouse" for its size, shape and gray color, was my favorite. "Speedbump" was the oldest. It survived several weeks of being run over by my Blazer. "Sushi" was an interesting little hairball garnished with a strand of grass. "Doppleganger" was a twin hairball, two hairballs connected by a woven strand of cat hair. Some hairballs were so new, they hadn't been named. I'm sure you're as disappointed as I am about the loss of such a world class exhibit. Rest assured that Rocky is hard at work on a new collection and will begin coughing them up sometime next spring when he sheds his winter coat.

Diana Hartman

Copyright 2002 David Jones & Diana Hartman
Last revised: November 20, 2002.