You can send questions for "Ask The Cats" to Rocky. Use "Ask The Cats" for the subject.
Dear Rocky,
Are there Redneck cats?
-- DE, Jr. in Mooresville, NC
Dear DE,,
Yes, unfortunately there are Redneck cats. They get drunk on catnip and get
into fights. I enjoy a little catnip but in moderation. Redneck cats seek out
catnip gardens and get totally wasted. They yowl and get into serious fights
leaving each other scratched and bitten. They're so busy fighting and rolling in
catnip they don't attend to proper grooming. Their fur is always rumpled and
they have mats. Redneck cats often have a little motor oil on their fur from
going under parked cars with leaking engines. If you meet any Redneck cats,
don't stare at them. They'll scratch your eyes out.
--Rocky (July
2, 2003)
Dear Rocky,
What kind of rations do the
Tactical Tabbies carry with them when they're in the field, especially in places
like Afghanistan or Iraq?
-- Gen. TF in CentCom HQ, Qatar
Dear Gen. TF,
They carry MRE's, mice ready to eat. The mice are already killed and gutted.
They're so tasty, I enjoy them as a snack while watching TV.
--Rocky
(March 7, 2003)
Dear Rocky,
If Chief Justice Rehnquist
retires, do you expect to be the next Chief Justice?
-- SDO in Washington, DC and Phoenix, AZ
Dear SDO,
I can't say for sure. I have seniority because one year in a cat's life equals seven human years. Naturally, I would love to see another cat appointed to the Supreme Court. As the sole feline on the Supreme Court, I am often subject to more uncomfortable publicity. Another cat might decrease accusations of tokenism. As long as President Bush doesn't try to put a dog on the court. That would be a disaster. I'm sure the Senate would never confirm a dog but one never knows what might happen in an election year.
--Rocky (July 2, 2002)
Dear Rocky,
I have to confess that I don't
always read your column. Sometimes I miss important information such as your
acquisition of a new personal human. These nuggets are buried in SFTLB (Scratchings
from the Litter Box). Help!
-- ASO in Kernersville, NC
Dear ASO,
What can I say? If you want to know what's happening, always read SFTLB. Better yet make it your homepage.
--Rocky (Apr. 18, 2002)
Dear Rocky,
Have you heard news of a
surrender? How many of the Tactical Tabbies have come down with the
Taliban Flea?
I just wanted to say that I think it was a great idea to get the Scottish Fold
involved. They are so incognito. People think they're deaf, but all
the while, I'm sure they are gathering information!
-- SR in Haw River, NC
Dear SR,
I wish I could give you more information but so much material is classified. I know everyone hungers for news of the Tactical Tabbies and hang on their every exploit. Cats and humans alike are fascinated by those little guys and their bravery. I can't give specific numbers about troop strength and casualties, it would compromise military security. Rest assured no Taliban fleas will make it back to America. Part of being a Tactical Tabby is being strong enough to endure whatever is necessary, including being sprayed and dipped.
The Scottish Fold are a new addition to the Tactical Tabby alliance but are performing admirably.
--Rocky (Nov. 26, 2001)
Dear Rocky,
Congratulations on
your 25th writing Rocky! Though we humans cannot begin to match your wit
and intelligence and intuitiveness we appreciate your accomplishments. I
would appreciate it if you and your feline elitists would publish an article
which offers tips to the human populous on how better we can communicate on your
level. I am aware this would be a step below your level of tolerance but
I, for one, am having difficulty keeping Maxx Blue's undivided attention while I
discuss politics with him. He tends to doze off before I'm finished with
my opinions. I realize this is partly due to my orator deficit and partly
due to his need for stimulating interaction. If you can think of a way I
can better communicate with Maxx, please advise me.
I am thanking you in advance and look forward to hearing from you in the not too
distant future.
Sincerely,
-- JM in Winston-Salem, NC
PS: Maxx has a few private remarks.
( =^. . ^ ) !@#$%^&*()_+
Dear JM and Maxx,
Max is dozing off when you are giving him your opinions not when he is giving you his opinions which are, of course, more important. The best way to communicate with Maxx is to scratch him behind the ears and not bend them with your human shortcomings. Your purpose is to serve Maxx and make him comfortable.
--Rocky (July 11, 2001)
Dear Rocky,
I want to express my gratitude for your tremendous help running the country during my term as First Cat. These eight years have been trying but rewarding as well. I couldn't have done it without you. With your guidance of the Supreme Court and with India in the White House, I'm confident the country will be in fine shape.
Your Dear Friend, Socks (socks@whitehouse.gov)
Dear Socks,
It's been a pleasure serving with you. You're a credit to the White House.
--Rocky (January 13, 2001)
Dear Rocky,
Can cats punch ballots with their claws? I could use a team of Tactical Tabbies in Tallahassee. Socks also suggested I ask you to put in a good word with the Supreme Court. I can't go into details but suffice it to say you will be handsomely rewarded. I know you have a job for life on the Supreme Court but perhaps your personal human would like a cabinet appointment.
--AAG, Jr. in Washington, DC
Dear AAG, Jr.
While my human could use the work, I prefer to keep her here to attend to my personal needs. As for the Tactical Tabbies, retractable claws are reserved for scratching not punching chads. Say hi to Tipper for me.
--Rocky (December 1, 2000)
Dear Rocky,
Otis and I loved hearing about your history and adventures. Otis says his life seems rather dull in comparison but he has decided to take a nap and try to remember life before he became the 28 lb. darling that he is today. Otis says he would like to see more pictures. Do you have any hair ball advice? It is always a problem when the weather gets warm.
--AO & OO in Winston-Salem, NC
Dear AO & OO,
Hair balls should be coughed up in an inaccessible location. The more inaccessible, the better. Under a bed is an excellent location. If you can't cough it up under a bed, carpet is always a good choice. If possible, cough up a hair ball on the Living Room carpet in front of company. Do you have an Oriental Rug? The older, the better. Under no circumstances, should you cough up a hair ball on dirty laundry, linoleum, or outdoors. On the other hand, outdoors in the pool or on the deck during a human party does have a certain elegance.
--Rocky (May 30, 1999)
Dear Rocky,
I've read your "Scratchings From The Litter Box" column and I think it's a load of poop. (Editor's Note—MSS actually used a different four-letter word but this is a family web page.)
--MSS in Winston-Salem, NC
Dear MSS,
I don't know whose litter box you've been scratching in, but my nuggets don't stink.
--Rocky (April 29, 1999)
Dear Rocky,
Bombs are falling all around my fair city. Our peace-loving people are being attacked without provocation. Can the Tactical Tabbies help me protect the Serbian people? If not for me, do it for the children and the kittens.
-- SM in Belgrade, Yugoslovia
Dear SM,
You fool, who do you think is flying the aircraft? While we are very concerned about disrupting the lives of cats in the area because of the loss of their personal humans, Platinum Cat assures me that Tactical Tabby Special Forces are on the ground coordinating relief efforts for the Kosovar Kats. All cats will be taken care of.
-- Rocky (April 29, 1999)
Dear Rocky,
Is it true that Princess Di often referred to you as "my furry little prince".
-- HRH in London, UK
Dear HRH,
That's a very personal question and much too painful for me to answer.
-- Rocky (April 28, 1999)
Dear Monroe,
I deeply admire your work in computer science and the FBI (Feline Bureau of Investigation). Ever since we met, you've been an inspiration to me. You're the reason I applied to work in law enforcement in the first place. When I started working here a few months ago, I thought I'd found my dream job, but alas it was not to be. While I was proud and excited that my computer skills brought me recognition by those in the top echelons at my department, some of the attention has proven unwanted. My colleagues say that I am expected to be Janet's next "boy toy". I explained to them that I have a girl friend and only want to do my job, but they insist that Janet isn't the type to take no for an answer. Can you give me some advice?
-- EEB in Washington, DC
Dear EEB,
It is my understanding that there is no cat in your life. I advise you to become the personal human to a cat. The cat will be able to assess your situation much better than I. After all, I'm hundreds of miles away and can't be aware of the day to day details of your affairs. Your own cat should be the one to advise and direct your affairs. By the way, does your fiancee have a cat?
-- Monroe (April 28, 1999)
Dear Rocky,
I'm being stalked by Tactical Tabbies. Every time I play golf, I see small tabby cats watching me. They follow me wherever I go. Sometimes they move my golf ball into the rough or bat it into the water. Can you get Platinum Cat to call them off before I go crazy.
-- OJS in Los Angeles, CA
Dear OJS,
I have spoken to Platinum Cat. He tells me the Tactical Tabbies assigned to L.A. are searching for the real killer of Nichole Brown and Ron Goldman. Do you know of any reason they would be following you?
-- Rocky (April 28, 1999)
Dear Rocky,
As an celebrity and entertainer, I constantly have to reinvent myself to stay on top. However, your fame far exceeds mine and you remain the same humble cat you've always been. What's your secret?
-- MLC in New York, NY
Dear MLC.
While it helps to have talent, you can't beat brains and poofiness.
--Rocky (April 28, 1999)
Dear Rocky,
We know that Al Gore has a lock on the Democratic nomination, but the Republican presidential candidate is up for grabs. Who do you like?
--GWB in Austin, TX
Dear GWB,
I have no interest in Republicans, after all, Socks is a Democrat. How could I support anyone from a party of dog lovers. Sure President Clinton has Buddy, but he's a drooling idiot. Republican presidents are known for bringing dogs into the White House, for example, your parents' dog Millie. And let's not forget Nixon's dogs, from Checkers to King Timahoe. Sure, President Johnson had Him and Her, his two beagles, but he really didn't like dogs. Why else would he pick them up by their ears. I am very confident that when Vice President Gore is elected president he will bring a cat to the White House, a tactical tabby no doubt.
-- Rocky (April 28, 1999)
Dear Rocky,
Since cats spend 80% of their time sleeping plus the normal kitty activities of eating and grooming, where do you find the time to be a cut-throat feline attorney, Supreme Court Justice, political advisor, mentor, opera buff, aviator, hunter, athlete, television celebrity, etc.?
-- DIH in Winston-Salem, NC
Dear DIH,
I can answer your question in six words, "I do it for the kittens".
-- Rocky (April 16, 1999)
Dear Rocky,
Have you ever considered running for political office?
-- EHD in Salisbury, NC
Dear EHD,
As you well know, in order to run for public office, I would have to resign my position as the world's first feline Supreme Court Justice. While I am very much interested in politics, I feel that because of my extensive legal training and vast judicial experience, my greatest contribution is within the Judicial branch of the government and not the Legislative or Executive branches.
-- Rocky (April 16, 1999)
Dear Rocky,
Were you really in the Oval Office when that woman, Miss Lewinsky, was there? Have you talked to Ken Starr? What did you tell him? Did he grant you immunity?
-- WJC in Washington, DC
Dear WJC,
So many questions, but the bottom line is that I would never say anything to hurt my dear friend Socks or cause him any pain or embarrassment. Unlike many in Washington, my lips are sealed.
-- Rocky (April 16, 1999)
Dear Rocky,
Why was the Afrikaat report on the South African spies censored? I demand to know their names. If the Tactical Tabbies don't cooperate, they may find tiny tyres torching their tabby throats.
-- WMM in Soweto, SA
Dear WMM,
You seem to have me confused with Platinum Cat. I personally disavow any knowledge of South African spies. However, I referred your request to Platinum Cat and he suggests that you go out into the bush at night, listen for the roar of a lion, and walk in that direction. The lions will answer any of your questions.
-- Rocky (April 16, 1999)
Dear Rocky,
I like your idea about having politicians neutered before they're sworn into office. It would be great if the Supreme Court could find something in the Constitution allowing the government to implement this policy retroactively. I eagerly await further developments.
-- HRC in Washington, DC
Dear HRC,
I'm glad you see the wisdom in my idea. Unfortunately, I've haven't been able to find anything in the Constitution with regard to neutering. We're going to have to enact legislation at both the state and federal levels. You sound like a smart human, perhaps you should run for office.
-- Rocky (April 16, 1999)
Dear Monroe,
We've heard so much about you. Will you be touring Sweden anytime soon?
-- S&F in Stockholm, Sweden
Dear S&F,
While I occasionally go out to a sushi bar with Rocky or take a spin in my Hummer, most of the time I stay home and work on my PC. I do my traveling though the Internet and CatNet. Unlike Rocky, I'm quite the homebody. By the way, say hej to Hans and Anette for me.
-- Monroe (April 16, 1999)
Dear Rocky and Monroe,
I hear that you two are helping Platinum Cat spread rumors that I'm a dog in a cat suit. Just because I have a large head, brown fur, and come when my slaves whistle, doesn't mean I'm not a cat. Platinum cat is clearly suffering from a case of head envy. Brown is the perfect color for camouflage when one is not too cowardly to go into the woods. Gray is only good for hiding in shadows. When you properly train your humans, they can be trained to whistle when they are ready to serve your yummies. It is not easy to train them to do this, but with frequent reinforcement - it can be done. Your eyes are green with envy. Fur envy, tail envy, head envy. Green, green, green.....
-- WBC in Wilson, NC
Dear WBC,
While we cannot speak for Platinum Cat, we are sorry that your misunderstanding led you to believe you have cause for complaint.
-- Rocky and Monroe (April 16, 1999)